Post your favorite jokes here :)

[matrixnyc]

Post you favorite jokes here for all to get a little chuckle :lol:

Actual Instruction Labels...

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

[Zayetsfoot]

Things you probably shouldn't say to the officer when pulled over:

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

Gee, Officer! Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

I was trying to keep up with traffic......yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

[matrixnyc]

69 Things to do in Wal-Mart

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.

* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, ''I need some tampons!!''

* Try on bras over top of your clothes.

* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and Candy''

* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens.

* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ''10.''

* Play with the automatic doors.

* Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, ''Who BUYS this shit, anyway?''

* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

* Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ''Wow. Magic!''

* Put M&M's on layaway.

* Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas.

* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

* Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,''...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!"

* TP as much of the store as possible.

* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

* Play with the calculators so that they all spell ''hello'' upside down. (01134)

* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!''

* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

* Take bets on the battle described above.

* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...)

* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

* While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.'

* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

* Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.

* Two words: ''Marco Polo.'

* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

* ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics.

* In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels.

* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like ''the fat man walks alone,'' and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying ''How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.'' Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, ''No, no! It's those voices again!''

* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying ''Good girl, good Bessie."

* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

* Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles.

* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).''

* Hold indoor shopping cart races.

* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles.

* Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

* Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?''

* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?''

* Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a ''test drive.''

* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they aren't paying attention.

[ssgibby]

Did you hear the are closing all of the meijers and wallmarts in Iraq??

They are replacing them with Targets..

[matrixnyc]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.


2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.


3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.


8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?


Why didn't Noah swat those two Mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[matrixnyc]

A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a brain out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for
work in 6 weeks",

A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a brain out of one
person, put it in another and have him preparing for war in 4 weeks",

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind.
We took a man with no brain from Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work and the other half is preparing for
war"...

[phistio]

LMAO! :lol: :cry: :lol:

[reefer_wannabe]

Baby seal walks into a club




Not exactly PC, but what the hey...... :P

[matrixnyc]

SAT TEST ANSWERS


The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given
in 2000, to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these
may be the president someday.)


Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.


Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.


Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.


Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.


Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.


Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.


Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.


Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.


Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the baronum, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The baronum contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
A,E,I,O and U.


Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.


Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.


Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.


Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.


Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.< BR>


Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.


Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.


Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab wears on his head.


Q: What's a Hindu?

A: It lays eggs.

[Samurai]

Q. What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
A. Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Q. What do you call 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A. The front row of a Garth Brooks concert.

Now for the serious bit- America is the only country that buys hotdogs in packages of 8 and buns in packages of 10 because every other country is too educated to eat hot dogs :oops: BLEH!!

Bush isn't really from Texas. He grew up here and just recently bought that ranch in Crawford. He is actually from New Haven, Connecticut (A.K.A. Pretensiousland, U.S.A. And you will NOT see where he was born in the official White House biography of him, because he can only dream of being a born Texan.).

Matrixnyc- liked some of the Wally Martinez jokes, but I had to use one of those little electric Wallyworld carts in the front when I twisted my ankle (can be worse than a break!) and they are nowhere near as fun as you think they are. After the first 10 seconds the fun was gone. I can hobble faster than they can go.

[matrixnyc]

25 Fun Pool Activities

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.

3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.

7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah...
oooh that feels soooo good....''

9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

10) Swim near someone and go ''Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here.''

11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''

13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

18 ) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a
discount.

20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around.

21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.

22) Throw people's things into the pool.

23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

[Lahatiel]

Things to do in an elevator!!!

40. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.

39. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

38. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

37. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

36. Bring a chair along.

35. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

34. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

33. Do Tai Chi exercises.

32. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

31. Meow occasionally.

30. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

29. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

28. Play the harmonica.

27. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

26. Lean against the button panel.

25. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

24. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

23. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other people "through" it.

22. Start a sing-along.

21. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

20. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

19. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

18. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

17. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

16. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

15. One word: Flatulence!

14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!"

13. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

12. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

9. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!""

8. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

7. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

6. Wear "x-ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

5. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

4. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

3. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

2. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

1. Stand in front facing the door with a friend. Have your friend say Sure I'll take the case, but why did you kill them. Say demonicly because they was staring at the back of my head.

source unknown, or i'd give credit...

[Lahatiel]

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud
Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood
deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."


once again, source unknown...old but still amusing

[phistio]

those are extremely funny...i laughed my a** off!!! :lol:

[Lahatiel]

To ALL Employees:

As a result of the reduction of moneys budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on the number of our employees.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people, who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately!!

This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are S.L.A.P.PED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

S.L.A.P.PED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been S.L.A.P.PED and S.C.R.E.W.ED may file an appeal with uppper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be S.L.A.P.PED once, S.C.R.E.W.ED twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.ED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings fro Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump-sum assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, and employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. will no longer be S.L.A.P.PED or S.C.R.E.W.ED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).

We Take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area.

If any employee feels they have not received enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Signed
The Management


author unknown...

I think I got slapped once or twice ;)

[matrixnyc]

Been a while, but here are some great IRAQ jokes I found:

Iraq Jokes
Q: What do Saddam and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing yet
Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52, F-16, B-1, ....

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How will Saddam be like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both look out of their windows and see Rubble

Q: What does Saddam and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the next Tomahawk is coming from

Q: What is the 5 day forecast for Iraq?
A: 2 days

Q: Why doesn't Iraq have driver ed and sex ed on the same day?
A: because the camels can't handle it.

Iraqi TV guide

MONDAYS
8.00 - Husseinfeld
8.30 - Mad about Everything
9.00 - Suddenly Sanctions
9.30 - Everybody loves Saddam
10.00 - Allah McBeal

Tuesdays
8.00 - Wheel of terror and fortune
8.30 - Buffy the yankee Imperialist dog slayer
9.00 - Women are forbidden from saying the darndest things
9.30 - The price is right if Saddam says It's Right

Wednesday
8.00- Goodnight America (UK)
8.30 - Third rock from Iraq
9.00 - Two Guys, a girl and a pitta bread

Thursday
8.00 - Lifestyle of the dirty, poor and dusty
8.30 - West wing ER
9.00 - Veilwatch
9.30 - Who wants to be a Martyr
10.00 - Veronica's closet full of long black shapeless dresses and veils

Friday
8.00 - Judge Laden
8.30 - My two Bagdads
9.00 - Achmed's Creek
9.30 - No witness news
10.00 - Wild wild mid east
10.30 - I dream of Jihad

[Paradym +]

The Essential Guide to Women's English:

No = No

Yes = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

[Lahatiel]

Mens Rules

"The rules" from the Male side, or .... NOW they tell us? We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are OUR rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE. --- from a man ---

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it
that
way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not

work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say
it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done,
not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading
ability is NOT proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

[Lahatiel]

Ask a child the same question too many times... Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

[phistio]

too funny...

i would have fell out of the booth and choked on my nachos bel grande had i seen that... :lol: :lol: :lol:

kids can be all too cute sometimes!

[matrixnyc]

What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
Fsh !

How do fish go into business ?
The start on a small scale !

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours ?
A hermit crab !

What fish only swims at night ?
A starfish !

Which fish go to heaven when they die ?
Angelfish !

What bit of fish doesn't make sense ?
The piece of cod that passeth all understanding !

What kind of money do fishermen make ?
Net profits !

What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand ?
Birdsthigh fish fingers !

What kind of noise annoys an oyster ?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster ! (Try saying that fast!)

What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream ?
Jellyfish !

[Lahatiel]

For the MAC users.

Warning, there at least two instances of foul language being used in this video.

http://mike.disorient.net/uploads/videos/mac.wmv


At one time I thought i wanted to get a MAC. ;)

[matrixnyc]

Lahatiel,

As a person that works on both Mac's and PC's i found the video to be

True

True

True :)

That was the funniest video, I have seen about the almighty Mac's

Everything in the video does happen, and way to often.

No mater if it is a new or old Mac :)

Thanks for the good laugh :)

[tangwang]

Lahatiel, that clip was hilarious!http://e4u.consoleradar.com/happy/1002.gif

Matt

[Lahatiel]

I got a good laugh out of that too, glad you guys enjoyed that!

Well, on to look for some more clips. ;)

[matrixnyc]

EVER WONDER?.....

...Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

..why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

..why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

..who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

..why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

..why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

..why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

[matrixnyc]

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to
take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my
wife, "Where is the
rake?" She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said, "What?" I repeated the gestures....
"EYE KNEE-THE RAKE"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to
her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt,
and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies (scroll down, it's worth it)















"EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

[Zack]

HAHAHAHA :lol:

[nanoman123]

i saw a video for that on www.funnyjunk.com its hilarius!!


dang u guys got some funny crap! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[ereefic]

What do you call a gay dinosaurs?

Mycockisaurus

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapuss

[ssgibby]

Scott

[matrixnyc]

Ohh man, that is so mean on so many levels :twisted: :evil:

[ssgibby]

Yea I know, but how can you not laugh :twisted: The sad thing is... I have worse...

[matrixnyc]

Post them up here, but strat us off easy :)

[ssgibby]

Ummm that may not be a good idea... LOL. I dont want to offend anyone, any more then I already have LOL.

[nanoman123]

i got a funny one



go up to a person and say "y do mothballs smell so bad?"

if they say "i dont know" ask them "have u ever smelt moth balls?"

if they say "yes" then say "then how did u get their little legs apart?"